Why You Struggle To Set Boundaries as a People-Pleaser
What’s going on behind the scenes in your brain
Boundaries are a necessary part of life that don’t always feel the most natural. That is doubly true if you identify as a people-pleaser or empath who puts others first and needs to be liked.
Rest assured, if you are a people-pleaser whose boundaries feel as whispy as wild grass in the wind, you’re not wrong for this. You didn’t learn how to handle conflict and discomfort in a transformational way. You probably learned to fear and avoid these things (thus the people-pleasing and weak boundaries).
The beauty is, now that you’re an adult, you can address those beliefs that keep you in the cycle of putting everyone else first and bending over backward to help. Today you’re going to learn what’s going on behind the scenes in your brain so you can be intentional.
Emotiphobia - The fear of negative emotions
Dr. David Burns proposed this idea called “emotiphobia” and it basically sums up why you can’t stop people-pleasing. This is the fear of “negative“ emotion.
I think of this as “defensive people-pleasing.” There is a difference between doing something nice for someone out of the kindness of your heart, and doing something nice for them to keep something bad from happening.
“If I don’t mention that I can’t make it for dinner, then she won’t get mad and yell at me.”
“If I go over and help them move, then they won’t be able to call me selfish.”
“If I let her keep making comments about my body, then I won’t have to deal with her feeling weird after being called out.”
I share all this to say, people-pleasing is a trauma response and is actually evidence that you care about yourself. You are trying to keep yourself safe. Understanding this is the first piece of disrupting this cycle.
The Boundaries + People-Pleasing cycle and how it wears down your relationships
The boundaries/people-pleasing cycle looks like this:
Your emotiphobia creates an innate need to avoid conflict and keep people happy
So you’re scared to set boundaries with them
You grow resentful in the relationship, but still feel that need to avoid conflict
So you people-please and keep them happy
And because you people-please and need to avoid conflict
You’re scared to set boundaries
and so on... and so on...
Conclusion
So the reason people-pleasers struggle to set boundaries is because they are caught in a gnarly cycle of expectations, doubt, and putting others first.
By learning to feel safe with conflict, discomfort, and “heavier” emotions, you can learn to disrupt this pattern. To do that, consider if you do feel safe within yourself. Do you feel judged by yourself? Do you have your own back?
As you increase the peace, worthiness, and confidence within yourself, you increase your ability to handle conflict and challenges with other people.
When you love yourself fully and completely, the need to people-please and be liked by others falls away. Boundaries become an act of protection and self-love.
You are worthy of that reality and props to you for taking the time to read this article. You’re already on the way to healing.
For more on breaking this cycle, check out part 2 of this series.
If you like what I’m sharing, drop a comment below!
