People-Pleasing Is Not a Spiritual Behavior

The Divine Distinction of being kind, not nice.

Last summer I was listening to a church service when it came time for the “Children’s Sermon.” Kids of various ages meandered down the aisles and plopped on the steps in front of the sanctuary. The youth pastor began talking about the importance of helping those less fortunate and how we should always be looking for how to serve those around us like Jesus did.

Then, something happened that almost made me spit out the coffee I was sipping.

“Repeat after me,” the leader said. “Others first. Others first. Others first.”

Obviously the kids obeyed (because they are children), and as people-pleasing was actively being born, I felt my Wild Woman heart scream out “NOOOOO!”

I grew up with those messages too, and it led to A LOT of grief. “Others first” made me hug creepy people I didn’t want to hug. It made me lay awake riddled with guilt because I’d been talked into helping someone cheat at school. While waitressing in undergrad, it made me question if purchases were selfish because I should be donating the meager leftovers after paying for school.

Now, after years of working on and studying it, I’ve come through most of my people-pleasing ways; but it certainly wasn’t easy. What if we skipped teaching people-pleasing in the first place? What if we taught little ones to honor their needs and serve others from there?

People-pleasing is not a spiritual behavior.

People-pleasing is the real life result of “others first” thinking. You don’t speak up because you want to keep the other person happy. You don’t want them to yell at you, or for the relationship to change. Deep down, behind all that fear, you’ve decided their comfort is more important than your own.

This is not a spiritual behavior.

Putting others first actively denies the Divine greatness within you. I have to believe that ignoring the desires of your heart and putting others first to maintain some pious image of holiness is the exact opposite of what the Divine desires for us.

Serve others and help out because you want to, because you are so in love with your Divine worthiness that you’re exploding to share. Not because you feel obligated or worry that you’ll upset the other person if you don’t.

Your purpose as a spiritual being.

I don’t believe that God willy-nilly makes extra people. You are of the Divine and here for a purpose. That purpose is surely not to bend over backwards and sacrifice because you are so overcome with worrying about the other person liking you and being happy.

Your purpose isn’t to keep your mouth shut when someone is abusing you at any level in any relationship. There is no way you are here solely to be a punching bag for people in your life. I refuse to believe that God made you and said: “I want this one to have to deal with it, suck it up, and just get by.”

No, you are here to thrive, expand, and impact the collective. You are here to remember and celebrate your worthiness (which doesn’t include burning out from trying to keep everyone happy). When you remember who you are, the Divine is right there to back you up.

Be kind, not nice

I’m not against living life as a kind, supportive person. I think it’s great to help out your friends and donate to charities. This whole “others first” situation feels like a great place to insert some Divine Distinction to say precisely what is meant.

I believe, in my heart of hearts and soul of souls, that you’re here to be kind, not nice. Putting others first is all fine and dandy if you are operating from a love-filled place of kindness. Putting them first out of obligation, fear of their reaction, or because you’re worried about keeping up appearances as a “nice” person is a quick trip to resentment.

Let’s look at the specifics:

“Nice” is defined as: pleasing, agreeable, appropriate, socially-acceptable, virtuous, respectable

“Kind” is defined as: of a sympathetic or helpful nature, gentle, affectionate, loving, thoughtful, intentional

To my previous point of your Divinity, your sole purpose in life is not to appease and agree with other people. However, being “of a helpful nature”, embodying gentleness and intention… THAT seems like what humanity was going for all along with this whole “nice” concept.

Conclusion

So what happens when you move beyond people-pleasing because you see yourself as a Divine being here to be kind? A recent client found out when she completely reclaimed “being High Maintenance” while we worked together. She decided to remember that she is “a Daughter of the King” and that God wants to lavish her. As she basks in her desires and follows her heart, she is reminding other people that they can too. Isn’t that what the Divine wants?

During 6 months of working together she signed at least 10 clients across offerings in her health coaching business. She found her confidence to navigate some challenging conversations with important people in her life. She has truly learned to have her own back and people are noticing.

So, do it. Be high maintenance. Stand in your worthiness and don’t give in to people-pleasing. Remember the Divinity and inherent worthiness within you.

(And by showing up and exploring your thoughts around people-pleasing, you are on your way to healing it. Awareness is the first step, so give yourself a pat on the back for being here.)