How to Set a Boundary That Sticks and is Taken Seriously

Setting boundaries can feel hard enough, here’s 5 things to keep in mind (especially if you have Resting Smile Face)

There is nothing worse than working up the strength to finally put your foot down about something, and then the other person totally ignores it, or worse… laughs in your face.

I have definitely been there. See, I have the opposite of Resting Bitch Face. I call my version Resting Smile Face. In fact, back in the speech and debate days of high school I constantly received this feedback on my heartfelt prose performances — “You are saying sad words, and talking about heavy things… but you’re still kind of smiling.” This isn’t because I’m some kind of psychopath… I just literally can’t not smile, even when I’m being super incredibly serious. 

So, yeah, I’ve definitely been met with the“yeeeeeah, okayyyyy” when I tell someone I’m deadass serious about something. And it sucks. Luckily I figured out how to do something about it. Now, as a boundaries coach who spends a heck of a lot of time talking to people about boundaries, I’m sharing 5 sure-fire ways to set a boundary that sticks and is taken seriously. 

1. Know the WHY behind the boundary

Ask yourself, why am I setting this boundary? What am I noticing about the situation that I’m not enjoying? How does this make me feel? (and go a few layers with this — deeper than “I feel upset” or “I feel angry.” What is behind that feeling?) Tune into what you desire in this situation. What need isn’t being met? What do you imagine is the best possible outcome? Once you’ve done some of this exploratory work, you can dive into figuring out what you’d like to communicate.

Don’t skip this step though — if you try to jump to step 2 and figure out words without really knowing what you want to communicate… you probably won’t like what you end up with.

2. Plan what you want to say ahead of time

With your reflecting from Step 1, you’ve tuned into what you want to communicate. And, just a warning, as you start to put it together into words, your ego might get super loud. “They are horrible and incapable of change.” “They need to know they are holding me back.” While these can feel true, you’ll want to communicate them from a calm Higher Self perspective. Chances are if you plow forward with your ego driving, the situation will go south pretty quick. They will probably go on the defensive, which will likely lead you to do the same. Suddenly it’s knives out.

So, how do you make sure you communicate what you need to, in a way that they can receive? I like to lean on a favorite tool of Gandhi and MLK Jr. that was popularized by Marshall Rosenberg — Nonviolent Communication (NVC). This allows you to communicate what you notice, how you feel, and what you desire with nearlysurgical precision.

Here’s a scenario without NVC, and then I’ll show the NVC approach to it.

Situation: “My spouse leaves dishes on the island every night and it drives me nuts. They are so sloppy and inconsiderate!”

If this person says these exact things, it might not change things for the better. Their spouse may feel shamed into cleaning at night until they eventually stop doing it… and at that point their partner will start the resentment cycle and get mad again.

Here’s what I would do —

I would ask this person to take an outside perspective and to tell me what they notice about the situation, without any judgment.

Perhaps they simply notice that there is often a few dishes on the kitchen island. (Note — this isn’t “I notice you always leave dishes out” because that is still a judgment. Instead try this — “I notice there are dishes on the counter in the morning.” Notice what feels different about that version.)

Then I’d ask how they feel about what they notice.

Perhaps they reply — “I feel frustrated because it’s the first thing I see coming down the stairs every morning and it immediately puts me in a bad mood.” (BINGO — this is the root)

So then I’d ask what they desire instead.

They tell me “I want to start the day feeling inspired and happy. Not immediately feeling like I need to do a load of dishes before I even have coffee.”

Then lastly we tune into a clear request they can make of their partner.

Putting this all together, we get:

“I notice dishes on the island most mornings. I feel frustrated because it’s the first thing I see coming down the stairs and it immediately puts me in a bad mood. I want to start the day feeling inspired and happy, not like I need to do a load of dishes before I even have coffee. Could you please put your late night snack dishes in the dishwasher or sink before bed?”

Bam — this person will likely feel heard by their spouse. They also aren’t attacking or blaming, so the likelihood of this getting heated or becoming a big thing is pretty slim.

Lastly, to be fully prepared, tune into what (if anything) are you willing to be flexible on. Perhaps the dish dirtier will say they aren’t willing to load the dishwasher before bed. If the asker has prepared, then they will know they are also okay with the dishes just being in the sink. And if they know “absolutely not, I need the dishes in the dishwasher” then they can explain that too and not give in to anything they don’t want to.

3. Have a few levels of boundaries ready (as well as an exit statement if you desire)

Boundaries can be a tall brick wall, or a breezy row of sunflowers. You don’t need to go in guns blazing when a simple: “No thank you” will suffice.

This is the problem I see with a lot of boundaries coaching out there. You are given phrases that don’t sound like something you’d say. You don’t need to sit down for dinner with your friends and preface by saying: “I don’t currently have emotional capacity to talk about my break-up, so don’t bring it up. If you can’t respect my request I’m leaving.” You could say that, but you could also just have an inner boundary of “I’m not willing to talk about this tonight” and just plan to softly shut down the convo if it comes up.

Another example I love here is if you are going out and not drinking (while most other people are). Your reasons are 100% your own and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Having a plan with boundaries at various levels will go a long way.

You may start with a simple “No thanks, I’m not drinking tonight.”

If that is met by a pushy person saying something like “oooh, it’s just a glass of wine. It won’t hurt!”

You then go to a slightly firmer boundary — “No, thank you. I prefer how I feel without drinking. You’re certainly welcome to. I’m sure we can still have a great time!”

If they continue to push, it’s time to crank it up again — “Please stop pressuring me about this. I have made my wishes clear. If you can’t respect this, I’ll have to leave.”

Hopefully they get it (or you realize you don’t need this pushy person in your life), but if not, you’ve got your exit statement — “I’m leaving. Goodbye.”

4. Embody your most confident Higher Self going into it

Take some deep inhales and pump yourself up. Reconnect with why this boundary matters to you. Talk to a friend who helps you feel powerful. Then, invite your Higher Self step in while your more combative ego observes. Ask yourself: “What’s the best that could happen from this conversation?” and go into the chat with that in mind.

More often than not, people will match your vibe. So if you go in super ego-driven tearing them down, they are probably going to raise their verbal fists to fight back. However, if you’re speaking from the heart, and a true desire to bring restoration to the situation, they can be invited to join you in that. Keep things very focused on your feelings and asking questions to understand.

5. Breathe, breathe, breathe

Tensing up invites panic and feeling overwhelmed. Breathe into your belly throughout the conversation. Expand your lungs and stand in your power. This can be tricky to master, but work on letting your words exhale out of your mouth.

Speaking while inhaling leads to a kind of urgent, hectic speech. Whereas, if you exhale, there is a natural space that follows which allows space for them to reply. Whenever you feel yourself wanting to urgently interject, simply take a breath and collect yourself. You can also use your water bottle and immediately take a sip to fill the moment while you let the silence sit.

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So, if you know what you want to say, have a plan to communicate it, and a plan for the convo, and you step into your Higher Self and remember to breathe, you will likely feel confident and grounded in the moment. This will communicate your seriousness and chance are, the boundary will stick and be respected.

I certainly hope that these have been helpful suggestions that will have you feeling super confident with setting boundaries in the future. Check out my other articles and come find me on Instagram for more boundaries, people-pleasing, and empath content!