4 Things About People-pleasing You Probably Don’t Realize

I have to say this... people-pleasing is much deeper than just an innocent coping mechanism. There are some MAJOR things happening behind the scenes that you likely don’t even realize. These are the things that take it from “oh I’m just being nice” and into problem territory. Let’s dive in.

1. People-pleasing is actually kind of manipulative

The key distinguishing factor between “being nice” and “people-pleasing” is rooted in your intention. Sometimes we are defensively nice to impact how the other person will react. If you are afraid of telling someone bad news, so you bake them cookies trying to soften the blow... you are ultimately trying to influence their response.

Underneath, does any of this feel true?

Other people should always like and approve of me because of how hard I work to please them.
Other people should appreciate and love me because of all the nice things I do for them.
Other people should never be angry with me because I would go to any length to avoid conflict with them.

Now, imagine saying these things out loud to someone.

“You have to always like me because….”
“You have to always appreciate me because…”
“You can never be angry with me because…”

It starts sounding kind of forceful. Try with all your might, you just can’t force someone to do something (especially love you) and have it be sustainably successful.

2. People-pleasing is eroding your self-worth

When you deny your own needs and desires to put someone else’s comfort ahead of your own, you are declaring that they are more important. You are learning that you won’t keep yourself safe. You will ignore your needs.

Over time, one of two things happens. The first, and most tragic, is that you will come to believe this and accept it as true. You will wrap yourself up in the identity of caring for others and will burn yourself out for them. Or, the other thing that might happen is that you get pissed. You reach the point of emotional burnout and shut down. You get super bitter and drive away the relationships you were initially people-pleasing in an effort to save.

Repeated people-pleasing tells yourself that you are inferior, and that eventually sinks you into victim-mode, or puts you on the extreme defensive.

3. People-pleasing is telling other people not great things

In addition to the message you are giving yourself, you’re also communicating to other people that you’re a push-over. There are folks in the world who may try to exploit this and take advantage of your tender heart.

This is particularly damaging in leadership positions. I remember once getting passed over for a promotion when I was still in corporate because my boss worried it’d overwhelm me because she knew I couldn’t set boundaries. Or, as an entrepreneur, so many times early on I let people butcher my programs because I was so desperate for the sale. (“I don’t need the mindset stuff”, “what if we only meet once a month?”, “how can we make it cost less?”)

None of the clients I made those concessions for ended up getting the results they desired.... likely because I didn’t value myself as a leader, and they didn’t see me as one either.

When you love people from a grounded place of loving yourself, others respect you and take you seriously.

4. People-pleasing requires teaching people to treat you in a new way

The sneaky thing about people-pleasing is that it requires two people. There is you, and there is the person that you are trying to keep happy. You can make all the changes you want to yourself, getting more confident, learning boundaries phrases, etc... there is still an entire other person you have no control over.

When you start demanding respect and setting boundaries, there is a process of teaching people a new way to engage with you that can’t be ignored. I’ve heard it said that some people hold on to the version of you that they held the most control over. So, when you start putting your foot down... they are probably going to push back.

This is why having support in this process is SO critical. You might be working with a lifelong relationship that isn’t going to change overnight. Having someone else there can help you keep this commitment to yourself.

I hope that you find these eye-opening! I would love to hear which one surprised you the most. Leave me a comment below. <3