3 Easy Word Swaps For More Supportive Self-talk

The way we speak to ourselves carries weight, whether we realize it or not. We lock ourselves in vernacular prisons with “I am” when we mean “I feel”. We let emotions and thoughts & feelings creep in and we edit. You deserve better, so let’s dive in.

But first, let me paint a picture…

Nel and Sallie recently decided they wanted to “be bolder in business”. Both defined this as: showing up on social media, sending emails, making offers, planning events, and “putting themself out there”. Both  thought it felt super exposing and their most tender parts were screaming: “NO! I DON’T want to do this!” So, when sat down to work... it fell flat.

Here is where they differ though.

Nel sits frozen in front of her laptop and her mind races with thoughts of what a failure she is. She thinks, “I should do this. I am falling behind, and it just comes so naturally to everyone else. Ugh, I am not cut out for this. I know it will never get better.” Her thoughts spiral till she mindlessly grabs her phone for some relief. “Maybe someone DM’ed or emailed me. I better check…”

Sallie also sits frozen in front of her laptop, but decides to get curious. She wonders, “Why does this feel so challenging? What is it that feels so scary?” She realizes that she’s never done this before, and of course the uncertainty makes it a little scary. “I don’t know how people will react.” That could throw anyone off! She journals about the fears that come up when she thinks about “putting herself out there” and realizes it ties to her family seeing her social media posts. Boom. Now she knows exactly what is holding her back and what to work on.

Who do you think is going to be more successful?

The only difference in these fictional examples is how supportive their mindset was. They were both uncomfortable with the task, but Nel went to a negative place and Sallie was supportive of herself.

She noticed the discomfort and disconnect
and stepped up to protect herself by getting curious.

Sallie didn’t make herself wrong for being afraid, in fact she validated herself! That allowed her to access a level of safety and realize what was actually holding her back. Now she can bring that up in coaching, in therapy, in mediation, etc and move past it.

Nel and Sallie showed us that our words can keep us trapped in an endless loop of negative self-talk , or they can spark curiosity and support us in our pursuits.

So how can you embrace your inner Sallie? Here are 3 Easy Word Swaps For More Supportive Self-talk:

1. Should → Could → Choose

In July 2016 at my very first weekend of life coach training in Chicago, one of the advisors, a masterful coach named Barb Heenan, said something that rang in my body like an activation code. “Should is could with shame involved.”

You can feel it. When you say you should do something, there is a heaviness to it. An obligation. You’re punishing yourself for not doing it and trying to make high-roading yourself somehow inspire you to action.

The next time you’re beating yourself up, maybe about keeping in touch with family, and you say: “I should do better at staying in touch”, consider how it it might feel different to say: "“I could do better at staying in touch.” What changes for you even just reading those here?

For me, there is less finger-wagging. And when there is less finger-wagging, I actually feel inspired to action. So, we have this first step of identifying: “I could do better at staying in touch.” Personally, I still find “could” a little wishy-washy. There is too much nebulous energy around it, so I recommend taking it one step further and swapping “could” for “choose”.

So, we started with: “I should do better at staying in touch” and that became “I could do better at staying in touch” and now it’s: “I choose to do better at staying in touch”. Wow, how much more inspirational is that? That “choose to” energy brings in some agency, particularly agency for this Highest Version of yourself who you believe "“should” do all these things. If that version “should” call their mom, meal prep, meditate, journal, stretch, juice things, whatever… step into really being that person by doing it and saying “I choose to do this”.

Imagine if Nel said, “I choose to do this.”

2. I am → I feel

It’s 2007, at Elkhart Central high school in Señora Forbes sophomore Spanish class and I just learned something that would end up coming back to me as a realization 14 years later in Leadville, CO. In Spanish there are multiple different verbs that ultimately mean “to be”. In English we typically just say “I am”, “It is”, “We are”. We don’t have multiple verbs here providing nuance.

However, in Spanish there are 2 different verbs that are used how English speakers use be/am/is/was. One of them, “Ser” is used for things that are permanently a characteristic. For example, I am 5ft tall. I would say “Soy baja.” “I am short.” This is a permanently true thing about me.

There is also a WHOLE ‘NOTHER verb, “Estar” that means I am at this exact moment, in a more transient way. If I were to say “Estoy enferma.” “I am sick.” This is saying I am sick in the moment, not classifying myself as a “sick" person permanently.

Okay, so bringing this back to English. We have a habit of just saying “I am” for everything, permanent or not, even if it’s just a passing feeling. “I am never going to figure this out”, “I am bad at this”, “This relationship is impossible to fix”. There is just this heavy, permanence to it. Like it’s part of our identity. But let’s try something…

“I feel like I am never going to figure this out”, “I feel bad at this”, “This relationship feels impossible to fix”.

How did these feel different to you? To me, some of that permanence is gone. It almost spurs some inspiration… why do I feel bad at this? Why does it feel like it won’t work out? Suddenly, instead of succumbing to the permanent Ser “I am”, we are in that flowy Estar “I feel” place and getting curious.

Imagine if Nel said, “I feel like I’m falling behind. I feel like I’m not cut out for this.”

3. I know → I have the belief that 

This final word swap came into my world through my training in EFT Tapping. EFT is all about gradually shifting your beliefs and mindsets incredibly gently and this was one of my favorite takeaways. If there is a belief that feels incredibly true to you, but you’d like to shift it, add some space between you and the belief. Instead of identifying with it: “I know she thinks I’m a bad friend” or “I know I’ll never figure this out”, create some space and try: “I have the belief that she thinks I’m a bad friend” or “I have the belief that I’ll never figure this out”, once again, you may notice the curiosity pique… “Why do I have this belief that she thinks this?” “Why do I have this belief that I’ll fail?”

Imagine if Nel said, “I have the belief that it will never get better.”

———

Words are SOOO powerful. This will always be a cornerstone of the work I do with people. If you want to stop people-pleasing and start setting boundaries, make sure you love yourself, trust yourself, and have your own back. All of that starts with the words and beliefs you are letting roll around in your noggin.

Wish you had a way to see what those limiting beliefs are? A clear way to take those “mystery blocks” and turn them into something concrete you can actually work on? I’m declaring it Mindset March and now through March 31 you can save $111 on the Magic Mindset Makeover! Book now to unlock your mindset so you can be who you came here to be!